Moo's Review of the VIP Movie Theatre: Too Many Shouty People with Chicken Grease all Over

The other day, I went to watch Hamnet at the theatre. Because it was a Tuesday and Tuesdays are cheap, everybody got tickets and the regular theatre was packed, my only option was to sit in the very front row where I'd have crane my neck at 90 degree angle to look up the entire time only to see people's faces in shape of Easter Island guys like, you know, a giant chin, all distorted, and occasionally have their left eye all the way up in the corner of the screen. So I didn't do that. Instead got a VIP ticket, which is 5 dollars more but since it was cheap night, that wasn't so bad.

I quickly found out that VIP people are very annoying. The theatre filled up and they were the loudest, most obnoxious bunch I'd ever known. I looked back, and it was just a slew of heathens with chicken grease all around their face. The poor staff were trying to get them food and drinks, having to walk carefully in between the narrow rows to just deliver them their trays. And they shouted louder than any sound system could allow. "This is such a bad idea." I'd thought. Who decided that movies needed a little table so you could eat? People really should just eat before the movie... And because of this added unnecessary luxury, everyone starts to behave like some sort of King from Lord of the Rings or Game of Thrones. Covered in fur and act super high and mighty as if they can just toss chicken bones randomly to strangers sitting across from them in a fit of rage because the waiter delivered their fizzy drinks with too much fizz in it. “Down with this fizz!” They'd yell. I didn't see a lot of Game of Thrones so I'm not sure if that actually happened. Also I didn't actually see anyone do that at the VIP, but that's just what it feels like they'd do. This room being VIP turns them all into monsters. Regret VIP choice immediately. Also, very disappointed my tacos had shredded carrots which I had to individually pick out because of stomach-sensitivity, should really blame self for not informing staff of my weird carrot-intolerance. Also there was no place to put plate! Keep trying to make eye contact with staff hoping they'd come back to take it away but no luck. Feel like a jerk for having a plate to begin with. Am one of the heathens. Maybe just settle it down on floor. Now I'm paranoid the rats are gonna come in and chew on left-over carrots.

I'm convinced the VIP experience turns everyone into crazed fiends

Hamnet turns out to be extremely sad. As movie went on. I heard more and more sniffles in the room. Myself included. Tried to pat away tears with hands ever so slightly so no-one could see me but, I'm sitting too close to other person beside me to hide anything. Sad stuff in the movie happens again, recently dried eyes immediately well up again like water fountain on Canada Day. Tried to pat away tears again. Use napkin I had left beside me. Hoping napkin didn't have carrots on it by accident. Sad scenes just keep coming. Oh God, why?? I'd lost count of how many times I had teared up by now. End scene happens and music happens. Entire theatre turns to sobs. Credits roll. Lights go back on. I look around and everyone's eyes had been water fountain on Canada Day. Make awkward eye contact with elderly gentleman sitting in row in front of me. He smiles at me. I smile back and then immediately look away to not expose self as maniac who cannot control emotions. It was a good moment. Maybe the heathens are okay after all.