Kublai Khan Has a Shopping Addiction

Website links to tank tops, skirts, bags. I'd bookmarked it all, just in case I forget what they are. But I will never forget. This stuff is etched into my brain. When it comes to shopping, I'm the elephant that never forgets.

I remember the name of the item and the maker and everything, unprompted. One is named “A Trillion Layers Skirt, No layers, Faded, but Vibrant, Size S, but Size L”, it's absolutely bonkers unless you're also a total nerd for medium-priced women's fashion items like I am. In which case, I'm happy you're here, may we suffer together. I tried to get rid of my obsession by typing a search into google. And the advice is always totally useless. Something like “hold off, don't buy it. Wait 24 hours and see if you still like it”. Ha. Nice try, people. Of course I will still like it 24 hours later, in fact I will like it 500,000 hours later. And even if it's 500,000 hours later and I don't like it anymore, I'd still want it. Why? Because it's etched into my brain now as Thing I Must Get. My brain refuses to let go. The people whom that 24 hour advice works for, I truly envy them. How lovely it would be if all my problems can be solved by just simply waiting 24 hours? What world do these unburdened people live in? What's it like?

I treat all my object of affection, AKA Things I Can't Have, the same way as any ex-boyfriend I was trying to forget. Which means cutting them off cold turkey. It always took an immense commitment. Because I had their names and their emails etched into my brain, I had to fight an ever-present desire to dial them up, or type their names into the address bar any time my fingers are free. In fact, every time when I had to get over somebody, I'd blocked them from my phone, and then had a friend change my email password just so I wouldn't even be able to log into my own email to see if they'd emailed me. It was absolutely tedious. I'd also gotten rid of all of my belongings that slightly made me think of them, like any clothes or pictures, not just the ones they gave me but the ones that reminded me of the ones they gave me. I once got rid of an entire Calvin and Hobbes book because I knew the boy I was trying to get over, used to read it. That's how obsessed I get.

I'm kind of at a loss, because everything reminds me of things I want to shop for. I tried blocking shopping sites before, but then I'd watch a show, a fashionably benign one, like The Big Bang Theory, and I'll get obsessed with, I dunno, heck, the khaki pants that Sheldon's wearing, and then I'd find a way to look it up. To get over Shopping means I'd have to ban myself entirely from the internet! And TV! And movies! And the streets! Because frankly, anything anywhere, worn by anyone, reminds me of Shopping.

As for the ex-boyfriend cold turkey cut-off thing, it always worked after 2 months, like clockwork. After about 2 months of not having any contact whatsoever, I'd always successfully been able to put any old paramour on the backburner, especially if there was a shiny new alternative around. But how the heck do I do it this time? Who will replace Mr. Shopping?

Perhaps my whole break-up thing was just flawed. I mean, I am after all, no longer a nineteen year old. In fact, it's been centuries since I was one last. Dynasties, really. I really should have more advanced ways of dealing with this stuff. Perhaps I should simply be friends with Shopping, and cut down our communication instead of cutting it all off cold turkey (can't do that anyway since world exists!). And stop being obsessed with them. Do inner work to figure out why I am obsessed with any particular item ... hopefully problem will go away gradually and Shopping and I can just co-exist. Also, it helps that my funds are limited and I can't do much damage.

I think of Shopping in general as a sort of reward thing for putting with difficulties in life. After a hard day, I “deserve” to shop. I “deserve” it like how Ryan Gosling's character thinks he deserves Michelle Williams's character in Blue Valentine. What a cursed word, “deserve”.

Sure, Shopping itself is not a person so I can't really violate its boundaries. But, I am violating my own boundaries by dipping into funds I'd set aside for other more important things like my own future. And it's all because I “deserve” it. I'm sure many of the world's leaders had been done in by the word “deserve”. Kublai Kan “deserved” to overtake China. China “deserved” to take over Vietnam. But what they perhaps deserve, is just a sense of belonging, or contentment, or just the feeling of wearing a cute skirt that fits them. Argh. See? My head's going over to shopping again. But you can't deny it's fun to picture a mongol dictator in a skirt that twirls*. But the answer is never Michelle Williams or a country or even a skirt that twirls. It's just an uncomfortable feeling one has to unfortunately sit in, and hope that will pass and get smaller over time. Gosh. I do hate that. Also, did I just compare myself to a dictator? Well, it's a bit of a stretch but it's not that dissimilar. I can't set desctruction all around a country but I can totally obliterate my savings account.

Thinking about that had really eased my desire at the moment. It's easy to say that I'm over it now. But the world has a way to make you feel like you're just a small insignificant bug on the subway in Tokyo with dirty sleeves at one point or other. When I feel like that, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I'd want to shop my heart out again. Would I do it? I don't know.

I don't know if I'll ever have a good relationship with Shopping, but right now I'll settle for a toxic friendship.

*Why Kublai Khan you ask? I'm confident that I'm his descendant, based on our shared temperament and stature. My mom's grandmother fully believed we were descendants of some emperor, who may or may not have been related to Kublai Khan. There's not a lot of evidence any of this is true, but hey, there's no definitive proof that I'm not his descendant.